Feels heavier today, so I thought I'd write. 

14 years is a long time. 

14 years before you ever thought to come into my life. 

14 years since you faded from this realm. 

14 years since I heard you talk about "woofs" (wolves) and became increasingly aggravated that you wouldn't shut up because I had a migraine. 

14 years since I rushed to the hospital, knowing but not really knowing you were already gone. 

14 years since the man who actually raised me met me in the parking lot and just shook his head at me. 

14 years since I fell into that man's arms and he held me as I cried over the father that abandoned me. 

Love isn't always fair or equal and neither is grief. 

Mistakes, missteps and regrets.
The kind that fill your dreams,
Your nightmares.
Then you start to forget.
You let it slip away into the void.
How you count the days,
Waiting for the scabs to heal.
One day without realizing it they do.
But if you think hard enough you can still feel it.
Fingering the scars,
How numb they are.
The nerves damaged beyond repair.
You'll never heal that,
But you don't need to.
You can only recall so much before it's torched.
Burned up and distorted.
The moment has come to forgive.
Truly. Honestly.
Myself.

Slither passed the confessions.
Weave and wander out of sight
Do not let this one in,
Keep her guarded,
Smother out her light.
Should a shard remain aglow,
Don't listen to her whispering soul.
Shut her up, stomp and scream
Until the voice grows hoarse and dry
Until she's left unable to whimper.
Until you're sure she'll die.

Silent silhouettes.
Pushing closer in the night,
Filling dreams with their memories.
Bleeding and breaking.
Echoes of the past,
Slicing through the dark.

The fruit will fall
The sweetness will spoil
The decay may be long
While the moments are short.

Sink into it
Crippled, crushed, tethered.
Moments not memories.
Fall through it
Embrace the darkness
As it closes in.

It's happening.
Right now.
Every moment. Through every action.
It's happening.
It makes not a sound,
Leaves not a trace.

Don't confuse disjointed thoughts for poems.
Just cryptic thoughts, misplaced. Maybe not even cryptic.
Never been the quiet type.
Never been afraid to fight.
Or throw the first punch.
Not very lady-like.
Rage overcomes fear.
My father's daughter, absolute.