There is no remedy.
Though the moments move further and further apart they never really seem to stop. They seep in from time to time and you have to move through them all over again.

If you knew me before maybe you don't now. Maybe I've changed, if changing is real. Most likely I'm the same. It's all the same. It'll always be the same. Those things that haunt us still remain.

Mistakes, missteps and regrets.
The kind that fill your dreams,
Your nightmares.
Then you start to forget.
You let it slip away into the void.
How you count the days,
Waiting for the scabs to heal.
One day without realizing it they do.
But if you think hard enough you can still feel it.
Fingering the scars,
How numb they are.
The nerves damaged beyond repair.
You'll never heal that,
But you don't need to.
You can only recall so much before it's torched.
Burned up and distorted.
The moment has come to forgive.
Truly. Honestly.
Myself.

So I'm at the doctors, she had stepped out of the room to retrieve my print out, or more likely to tell the medical assistant to. I've come here to discuss my chronic migraines which are now so debilitating I leave work early nearly once a week with tears streaming down my face hoping I can make it home without puking.  She won't give me anything for them. Says it's most likely sinus headaches. I take a deep breath in through my nose and sigh. Somewhat out of exasperation that I've now wasted my entire lunch hour for nothing, but also to prove a point. I can breathe easily through my nose and over the past year have not been severely stuffed up that I can recall.

She's young though and says she gets migraines every month for at least a week straight.  I didn't know this was a pissing contest doc. Bet you also have meds for when you get migraines. No no. It's ok I'll just take some sinus headache medicine that won't touch the pain and  vomit all over myself on the way home. Enjoy your period headaches. Also, I'm probably older than her and she has a weak handshake so I immediately disliked her.

  Anyway as the medical assistant comes into the room to hand me my print out and give me they ok to leave I look down at the documents. I'm holding a list of known illnesses. Third from the top, " chronic low self esteem". That's it, I'm toast. Mixed in with all the other bull crap illnesses, the infected breast from my breast feeding days, the kidney infections, the allergic reactions. Right there, starring at me. Low self esteem.  I drive myself back to work, continue to be mediocre at all things required of me until I get home and can do the one thing I'm really good at, sleeping.

Slither passed the confessions.
Weave and wander out of sight
Do not let this one in,
Keep her guarded,
Smother out her light.
Should a shard remain aglow,
Don't listen to her whispering soul.
Shut her up, stomp and scream
Until the voice grows hoarse and dry
Until she's left unable to whimper.
Until you're sure she'll die.

Silent silhouettes.
Pushing closer in the night,
Filling dreams with their memories.
Bleeding and breaking.
Echoes of the past,
Slicing through the dark.

The fruit will fall
The sweetness will spoil
The decay may be long
While the moments are short.